ARTICLES I'VE WRITTEN
- What Every Wife Has a Right to Know About Her Husband's Recovery
- Seven Tips for Wives of Sex Addicts Looking for a Good Therapist
- Stop the Abuse of Partners of Sex Addicts
- 7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask
- Partner-Sensitive Treatment for Sex Addiction
- Partner-Sensitive Treatment for Sex Addiction (Part 2)
- Visit my blog
After reading the above article, I posted the response below:
This kind of “addict-centric” thinking is exactly what is keeping wives from healing like they need to. Ashey, I have read your book. Perhaps now that you are removed from that initial pain by a few years you have forgotten what it feels like. I know that happens to me sometimes. My husband has over 3 years of sobriety and we are happily married. Sometimes I forget how bad it was. As I counsel other wives, I am reminded. That first year was hell. Professionals who are not sensitive to the trauma the partner has endured and just focus on how she needs to be supportive are doing so much harm to the marriage and re-traumatizing her. Instead he needs the support of his therapist in how he can best support her. Then, with time, she may be able to offer him support. It’s like telling someone who just experienced the loss of a love one to stop grieving. Just because they grieve doesn’t mean their faith isn’t strong enough, as you imply here. A woman whose husband is a porn or sex addict has been betrayed in the worst way. He must “live in the doghouse” for a while, as CSAT, author, and speaker, Rob Weiss puts it. Ashley, times are changing and you have bought into an old lie. Read more in Barbara Steffens’ book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. If you’ve already read that book you clearly didn’t get it.
Further, OF COURSE he is angry when you bring it up. OF COURSE the murderer wouldn’t want to be reminded of what he did. No one wants to be reminded of their sin, but that’s not reality. I bet the mom who got drunk when she was pregnant doesn’t want to be reminded of her sin every time she looks at her baby with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. But she has to. She may have repented and God may have forgiven her, but she will always have that reminder.
That's just life. No one gets off that easy. If a wife cushions his fall, as you are encouraging her to do, then he will not feel the full effects of what he has done and will be more likely to go back to the porn. He needs to see how he has hurt her. He needs to get the gravity of the situation. If he is getting angry when she is in pain he needs someone to explain to him why she is bringing it up so much. If he is sensitive to her, instead of having crap like this article to throw in her face, she will heal more quickly. Thank God my husband had proper guidance and was patient with me and never got angry. He knew he had NO RIGHT to get angry with me. Because of that I got over my anger quickly and forgave him quickly. I still cried a lot and brought it up a lot that first year and every time he held me and listened and asked what I needed. That is why I love him so much today. I know it took so much strength for him to do that, but if he could do it, so can other men. Women need support from their sisters on this journey. They don’t need to be told something is wrong with them because they are still hurting.